Calling Mr Zaza Solaris, final boarding call at gate 44

Forgive me,
its been awhile since I've posted
or shared much.

I have been without computer access for most
of December,
though I surely enjoyed the snow and being "snowed in"
a magical snow globe for Christmas with
Sita and her daughter, Kalindy, in Tigard.

It was refreshing to just simply BE
and relax into that beingness
without the pressures of having to
go somewhere..
there was no where to have to go to
during all December,
except into the Heart.

And now, I am finding myself back in Milwaukie
with my new housemates (Zen is one of them).

Now I find myself learning and remembering ways
to be by myself,
in communion with life,
with friends,
and with my partner.. even though we no longer
share the same living space.

Now is a time to show up more for myself,
to relearn some basics of being an individual
and to challenge myself to show up.

That is what this community offers me.

I came to you all in a mode of distress
and I am grateful for comforting me
during that time.

I can be rather shy individual, I realize.

Like many, I am facing my own demons
but learning to do so with Light
instead of focusing on the darkness...
meaning, I am learning the value of
attracting what I desire,
and attuning to what it feels like.

I am desiring to be more in myself,
to be happy,
to be smile,
to allow myself to feel more than deserving
of being happy...

I have pictures of me as a happy young boy
in my room to look at,
to remind me of that innocence
and attract that boy to shine through
me the adult.

Though we are all like children...
children want to be
seen, heard, and believed!

I suppose what I can ask of you the individuals
of the Elixir to do in holding me accountable
for showing up is to trust that
I am doing my best and challenging myself already...

that I am doing the internal work to shine out,
even when I may appear to be detached,
I am remembering who to shine the inner ZAZA
through this Nathaniel character that I walk.

Its funny... in a dream the other night,
I was in an airport waiting for a flight..

in the dream I was a noted 2012 lecturer preparing
to give a conference in some other city.

I was writing on a piece of paper on the back of
a wooden statue
of a serpent beast in the lobby.. (whatever that symbolizes)

In my subconscious I heard the public announcer call
out "Mr Zaza Solaris, we are waiting for you at gate 44,
Mr Zaza Solaris, please board on your flight at gate 44,
final call"

I don't know if I caught the flight or not..

Lots of times, and Sita teases me about this,
I have a tendency to repeat things moments later
after someone says something
not realizing that the person just said it...

I seem to take in information first through my subconscious
lots of times instead of receiving information to my conscious!
Confusing for me too, I know.
Our brains work in different ways...
and I do do my best to be present every moment, honestly.

Example: Sita will say something like "we need to go get grapes at the store
tomorrow" and moments later I will say "we should get grapes sometime."
Seriously,
honestly I can be quite clueless,
yet I also know I can be tuned in...

I want it to be known that I grateful to receive the
love and care from you in the Elixir and in this play
on this dimension of life.

We are a community.

And in this community, we are here to call upon each other
to love,
to give and receive love as we wish to be loved.
To be like Christs.

This is the Communion we share.

Coming tomorrow... I vow to show up for myself first,
not for anyone else,
but in giving myself I am receiving you
as I learn how to receive myself first.

It is an honor to be here.

Love,

Nathaniel-Zaza