I don’t know what’s going on with me this morning. I feel sick in my stomach about something. Am I trying to get around my grief? Am I trying to find a way out of it through this hope that things will eventually work out when we both pull our shit together? Am I fooling myself in thinking that this could work? Can somebody change that much? And why am I even concerned about whether he changes or not? I am free to choose who/what I want to be here. It doesn’t matter what he chooses. But my heart is still grieving deeply for some reason. The old form will be no more. And that is as it should be- but it still hurts somewhere.
What else is there in this pain and heartbreak? I am feeling false right now. Sick in my heart and in my gut. Where am I giving away my power? Where am I not honoring my voice?
I really don’t think it’s going to work. Why do I think that? Maybe I need to think that because it’s the only way to let go of this old form of relationship; the only chance at the possibility of complete transformation and transmutation into this amazing Divine Romance. Or maybe… it’s just not going to work.
It was never right with us from the beginning. Never easy. Only one thing was natural from the beginning- being in his presence, strong and witness-like. But I never knew if he was in it with me or not, because he doesn’t talk. And one thing I have learned about men- if they don’t say it, then don’t assume it. You have to ask them the hard questions and get them to give an answer, or you’re in for some tangled messes later on. This is true for anyone, I guess.
We have done so much work in this area of communication and trust, and yet, there is still more. We have broken up, and there is still more! Ultimately, his actions showed me that he was in it for the long haul… at least in the physical. But I need more. I feel him more fully aligned with this love and work, but so much will depend on his willingness to show up and face his fears and hold mine without making them about him. I want a partner to walk through the fire with me, or no partner at all.
I’m guessing that there is no way to get through this except to fully disengage from the old form, and that there is no way to do that but to break up. But how can we be broken up and still not “done?” It seems I cannot speak of the future without spoiling the process in the present. Perhaps that is what is happening here. We are tender and loving toward each other, and protective of the love that exists so delicately between us, even having broken up. But, that does not mean we are going to make it as partners. There is hope, and yet I’m not sure how helpful hope is right now. I think it just keeps me attached to an outcome. Or is it that I am confusing hope with attachment? I don’t really see the difference in this moment, to tell you the truth.
And so, the outcome remains to be seen. But for now I sit with this grief in my heart, and burn- like the house on Anakha’s street, like the curtain at Eecole’s dance Friday, like the heat of the weekend on my skin.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Blech. Someone please turn my head off.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
"But how can we be broken up and still not 'done'?”
Ask me later - we can talk about that one for hours. Until then, dear Krista, it's helped me personally to reframe how I look at things. Let's say your relationship is a light bulb. Rather than turning it off with a switch (that you may or may not ever turn back on again) perhaps you could think of it as being on a dimmer. There may very well be times when one or both of you will just want to turn the damned thing off... but I get the feeling that's not where either of you is at. Right now the light is low and may get lower, true. But maybe not. Maybe you'll want to turn it back up at some point. If only just a little bit....
I also encourage you not to worry so much about the future. Easier said than done, of course - don't I know it! But really, as I know you know, there is no future. There may not even be a tomorrow. It's one of the great mysterious truths of mortality. All we can truly have is in this moment.
So try to sit with your feelings - those right now, present feelings - and let your thoughts and fears about what comes next flow right through you. Don’t judge them, don’t stifle them, just notice them and bring yourself back to who and where you are in that moment. Again, easier said than done, I know. And I totally suck at taking my own advice (which is cheap and probably worth what you pay for it). But it’s helping me just to write this down, so I like to think that the reminder might be of some value to you, too. I hope so.
You’re OK. The grief is OK. The doubt is OK. The fear is OK. These, too, shall pass. And when they do you’ll be a new woman in a new present. You’ll know it when you get there.
Love you.
There is something in the mystery that is keeping us all connected as we step through the unknown. I too woke up with an uneasiness in my belly today. I agree with Stephen we can only stay in the now and allow each moment to show us the way. The mystery needs to unfold in its timing not ours. So dont land perhaps never and let love show you the way in all its forms. Muvh love beautiful woman. xx
I am not clear on what I want to say. I just deleted a page that I wrote. I am clear about one thing though and that is I am sorry you are in pain.
Pain is good for being a catalist but damn it when it is present.
Just remember the wonder that you are, the love that you are, the creative beauty that you give so sweetly.
What I see in you is courage, Krista, to stay with what you know of yourself, what you know you want and need in a relationship, what you know is worth hanging in there for, through the pain and grief. The healing takes as long as it does. And I feel you growing through this experience, something being cracked open like a chrysalis, so that the butterfly can emerge. And as your heart expands and heals, your music will ripen, and deepen, and say more of what you long for it to say.
Love is a tangled web no matter how we walk it. Throw sex and relationship and emotion in a caldron, turn the heat up to "CRUCIBLE", throw in a dose of friendship, trust, integrity, humility, honor and faith. This is the line so many of us choose to walk these days. This is why we are all called together, to love together, to pray together...to dance together.
We are never done with those who touch our lives even if it hurts. Especially if it hurts....and most especially if we still love them.
I have loved everyone I have ever been in significant relationship with. It's my nature, to love openly and fully and with the deepest part of me. Some have seen it, some have understood it, few have known what to do with it.
You two are in that crucible together. We all are in that crucible together. We carry parts of those who touch us inside for the rest of our lives - it makes us who we are. My favorite quote these days is this:
"Not consciousness and self-understanding but a passionate inner presence makes us what and who we are." -Thomas Moore
When we unlock our passion the way we do we unlock the center of the universe. We can never be done with that.
We all move on and grow together, never leaving, never done. Sometimes breaking up is just part of the path.
I am witnessing, present and loving you from far away. I am noticing that my life, lovers and friends are in a ever changing constant flow. I more I am with the flow the more things seem to change with ease. embrace the new form that may come. Nothing really ends it just changes form, moves and flows. I know you will navigate the new form beautifully.
Post a Comment